What time is the right time?
Kurt Bird has had partners who pushed him into sex before he was ready for it, and it never felt right. So, what’s next?
How offended would you feel if I said it’s completely acceptable to push another person to have sex with you? That’s what the message seemed to be from partners who have been angry at me or pushed me to do certain things for not making “the move” soon enough.
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I don’t believe I am an attractive man, but I’ve been told by females – and males – that I’m very muscular and physically attractive. Because of this, it has taken me years to finally comprehend what I have done and what has happened to me. I feel I have been used for what I am and not who I am, essentially been bullied into convention without even knowing it. Until now.
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My first relationship lasted three months before sex was initiated. My next relationship lasted two weeks before sex was initiated. The third relationship was three weeks. Fourth was nearly two months again, and my fifth was on the first date.
I hadn’t been given much relationship advice except for some words from my father at the age of 14.“Here’s a pack of condoms. Share them with your brother. I thought you may need them. I’d been doing it before your age so thought it was about time you had some.”
The first three sexual relationships were all pushed or initiated by the women because I was waiting too long. Considering they were all more experienced than I, I was given the impression I was doing the wrong thing to wait. I did follow through with it, but when you’ve been harassed for quite a bit of your life and someone shows you some love, you’re going to believe what they’re doing for you is right.
The fourth and fifth relationships were slightly different; I was a little older and more mature and thought I had learned a lot by then. The fourth relationship was mutual; I didn’t initiate, nor did the other person, but at the same time I was disappointed that I didn’t wait longer AND felt the time I waited was too long, considering I had been pushed into the past three. After this relationship I sought a lot of advice on this from a lot of friends…and even strangers.
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By the fifth relationship, I had been given advice by so many women about what to do, I gave it away on the first date. I had felt like I’d known this person for three months in only three hours. I felt comfortable with her, but not necessarily with wanting sex. However, I was given the advice to be confident and take charge of the situation if in a position like that. So I did. It happened. And again, I wasn’t happy with it.
Every single relationship, I feel I’ve been forced into sex, first hand or second hand. The influence a person can have over a broken down mind is incredible. This fifth relationship has turned out well so far, but I feel I should have waited… again.
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From my experience in dealing with my friend’s relationships, my rugby boys’ relationships, and my own relationships, it seems that if men push women to have sex it is blatantly obvious, but if a woman pushes a man to have sex they manipulate the situation until the man caves in. Which one of these seems acceptable?
Sex may be an important part of a relationship but it isn’t the foundation. So why do we have sex to determine if a partner is right for us? Many people don’t. The majority do. Unfortunately, I got dragged into the belief that sex early in the relationship is the key to a good relationship. It’s only led me to believe people want me physically, without wanting me.
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I am a bit of a hopeless romantic and believe in “the right moment” but it doesn’t always work out that way. Be open to possibilities, but if you really want to wait, waiting for the right person or moment, don’t allow others to influence that belief.
–Photo Dave Stokes/Flickr
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